


Heart of Hearts

by islamarseey



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017), Call Me By Your Name - All Media Types, Call Me by Your Name - André Aciman
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Reunions, Slow Burn, heartbroken
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-07
Updated: 2018-11-18
Packaged: 2019-08-20 02:54:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16547462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/islamarseey/pseuds/islamarseey
Summary: 5 years after Oliver left Italy, he finally came back. Will the years of being away from each other make any difference for Oliver and Elio?





	1. Chapter 1

_I can’t believe I’m here again_.

I sat on the edge of his bed. There was this big and heavy feeling within me that I couldn’t describe. Was it confusion? or longing? I felt like I messed up the concept of time by being in this room. My mind was all over the place, it went with such a speed that I couldn’t even keep up with.

He was not here.

I was.

There was a tiny surge of relief, almost like a permission to breathe again. So breathe him in, I did. All years of his presence in this room without me. A high that was also contradicted simultaneously with waves of memories of our last few nights together that makes my chest tightens in pain. I felt so close to him, to us but yet he was so far away.

I kept in touch with Professor Perlman 5 years ago when I left to go back to my life in the United States. Even after I told Elio that I was getting married. He was always kind to me. He never judged me or question my action, always had been so understanding. He had been more of a father to me even more than my own. He always could see right through me, he would talk about Elio, keeping me in the loop on how he was doing in life. Answering questions that I would never have asked him. I would never have been brave enough to ask because I felt so undeserving, Professor Perlman should have let me be tormented with my own self-blame and curiosity. But no, he was not a person like that, he was generous, even sometimes it felt like he did it out of his pity to me. Sometimes I had a feeling that he knew that I was hurting too, and not see me as a monster like Elio would have.

So after Elio had a taste of college life, he rarely went back to spend summer in Italy. He really loved New York, Mr. Perlman said. It took everything in me to restrain myself from driving to New York and lurking around his campus just to catch a glimpse of him. Samuel also said that he would go play piano in bars on the weekend or auditions for orchestra concerts, throughout the years he had made quite a name for himself. I kept thinking I could just randomly go into a bar or watch a classical concert and I would just see Elio, pouring his heart out to his music. Baring his soul to the audience who would never know how lucky and privileged they are to be even in the same vicinity as him.

He had not been home for three years now, Samuel and Annella had to fly to New York to see him from time to time. _What can we do? He is trying to find his place in this worl_ d, was all he said when I asked if that bothered him at all.

So that was the reason why that I came here again. Aside from taking a break of my hectic life. I took the comfort in knowing that he would not be even though a little part of me always wished and wanted to see him. _It wouldn’t do any good. Elio probably hated me for hurting him like that. Whatever I do wouldn’t change anything_. I reminded myself. We never really talked after that phone call. I couldn’t bring myself to write him or phone him after that because I know nothing will fix him or me. We were both victims of a cruel fate and I sure hoped that one day he would realize why I had to do it. I prayed that the life that he lived happily would be the evidence of my strong affection for him. That was enough for me.

Maybe I was selfish by coming back here. But I couldn’t help myself, I needed to. Life without Elio was becoming harder to bear and I needed just a fragment or a trace of whatever we had to prove to me that it was real. At one time, he did want me. We shared something miraculous, something that was not meant to be had by everyone. I shared my name, impaled it on him as if it was his own. In this very room, he became me and I became Elio. Then when I left him, I left my soul.

And I would never ask him to give it back.

I let my body fell to the mattress, my hands mindlessly caress the sheet underneath me.

_I am home, Oliver._

_I am sorry._

I closed my eyes.

_Just come home, Oliver._

 

With that prayer, I fell into a slumber.


	2. Chapter 2

Italy in the winter was still as mesmerizing as I remembered it was in the summer. There was a sense of beauty in the coldness of the air and the snow that softly fell to the ground. Mafalda and Annella were in the kitchen working their magic. It was Professor Perlman’s birthday and the extended family had already filled up the living room.

Elio’s aunt was elated that I was there and demanded to know how I got to Italy this time. I told her the story of how Professor Perlman told me about Elio canceling the plan to be here at his birthday, just like any other year. “Then I just asked to be invited to celebrate his birthday in Italy and stay for a few weeks if he let me” I explained frivolously. Sammy laughed then proceeded with an endearing look and said “Oh please, it’s like my other son has come home now. I wanted Oliver to come and celebrate me being old” Which made me smile, I didn’t know if he knew how much that meant to me.

The whole evening before dinner was a blur, I talked to several people and I couldn’t differentiate if they were family or neighbors or both. Mostly I talked about my book and what I had been doing since I left this villa years ago. Everyone was very welcoming and I was genuinely happy. It had been a long time since I felt that.

Then when Mafalda and Anella announced that dinner was ready, we all went to the dining room, which now I realized was never used in the summer when I was there. We were halfway through our secondo when we all heard Mafalda shrieked in surprise from the front of the house. “Santo Cielo!” and then she was talking really fast in Italian while walking towards us. “Signor! Signora! Guarda chi é venuto!” her face lit up in excitement telling the Perlman’s to see who decided to show up. As if on cue, the mysterious person reveals himself before our eyes, standing just outside the dining room.

My breath hitched when I saw those eyes. The room suddenly fell silent and turned cold. It felt like I was alone and I was fixated on his face and his every move. Almost like he had a gravity pull on me. His bright smiled turned into an unreadable expression when he moved his eyes from his parents to me. His lips parted in a silent shock, if it was not me he was looking at, I would say that he was in an awe.

_Elio is here._

_Oliver came home._

And I wanted to run.

The sudden loud noises from all around me brought me back to reality. I couldn’t move and it was like seeing a play. How everyone seemed to move in slow-motion, they stood up and showered Elio with hugs. Mr. Perlman placed kisses both on his cheeks, so did his mother and then everyone followed. Then after the shock and celebration calmed down, someone squeezed him a space for his seat just opposite of mine. I didn’t want to be rude or make people think that there was something wrong but the best I could offer him was just a polite smile and a nod. I think if I were to open my mouth, I would have vomited words of apologies in any language that I knew and the dam might break right then and there. He mirrored my courtesy, giving me tight-lipped smile that didn’t really reach his eyes.

I was silent for the rest of dinner. Not that someone would notice, the main focus was Elio. I didn’t want to stare at him so I would look at anything but him but mostly just my lap. I would listen to every word he said carefully though, the change of intonation and the hesitations. He still sounded like Elio, my Elio, me, Oliver.

After we ate desserts while listening to Elio answered a bunch of questions about living in New York and what he had been up to, people started to take their drink and move towards the living room where they just relaxedly chat with each other. It was also then when people started to ask Elio to play the piano. He hesitated but then complied to the request. He was about to start when he stopped himself and said that he was going to play something that he composed.

I sat in the chair farthest away from the center of the room with my wine glass that had been refilled for a few times now. I guess I had to believe in God then because all my prayers were granted in one night. I watched him play, his eyes were closed and his body swayed to whichever way the notes took him. I tried to listen closely, I supposed I kind of expected that it was written about me. I was ready for him to play something that sounded like a cry, a melody that would make me feel his pain, a song that would break what was left of me. Another evidence that would prove that I don’t deserve him. _God, stop being such a narcissist Oliver._

The sound that the piano made was enchanting, to my surprise it sounded light and happy instead. Full of hesitations but also passionate at the same time. Like falling in love. It made me think of my early days here observing him, trying to decode if he even felt an ounce of my attraction to him. Then it struck me, was he in love? what if the song was about being in love with someone? Did he write it for someone else? Suddenly I couldn’t bear the thought and I knew I was drunk enough to act out my emotion, so I downed the remaining liquid in the glass and slip myself away from the room quietly.

I kept walking to the backyard and out of the villa. It was cold and I only had my sweater on but I didn’t care. I needed to get away from this reality. I walked far enough but I could still see the villa I found a big tree with a bench under it. I decided to sit there and have a discussion with myself.

 _Maybe I should just go tomorrow, Elio the real son of Professor Perlman is here. I don’t want to be intruding their family time._ I thought to myself.

 _Yes. Yes, I’m leaving. It’s the right thing to do. Should I talk to Elio though? What would we talk about? Will my apology matter at all? You’re a moron Oliver, you shouldn’t have come in the first place._ I shook my head in frustration. I didn’t want to be inside my head.

 _What if he was in love with someone else?_ I asked myself the possibility. Then almost instantly, from somewhere inside my head a voice screamed. _I don’t want him to be in love with someone else._

 _You’re selfish Oliver. You hurt him. He deserves to be happy._ I chided myself.

“Right, just don’t talk to him” I muttered to my drunk self. I didn’t know how long I was there, driving myself insane with my own thoughts. A while after I heard people leaving and lights in some rooms in the villa had been turned off, I made my way back inside the house. Everyone was already in their room or so it seemed. I climbed upstairs, my mind was blank and exhausted. When I reached the second floor, I felt his stare before I even noticed him there. He was sitting on the floor, leaning on the door frame. The moonlight from the balcony illuminated his feature. He hugged his knees and he was looking up at me who couldn’t continue to take a step towards my—his bedroom.

We were in silent just looking at each other for a few seconds before he whispered my name into the dark.

“Oliver”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first encounter of Elio and Oliver since they are back.

His whisper was like velvet. So soft and tender against my soul. I couldn’t help myself, “Oliver” I called him by my name.

The curve of his mouth formed a smile. But it was different than all the smiles that I had seen on his face. The room was dark but I could make out the sadness in his smile that was threatening to crush me.

“You ran away,” he said matter-of-factly. There was no accusation in his tone, he just said a simple fact.

“I was drunk” After a while, I replied, even though it probably made no sense to him at all. _I was drunk and jealous of the possibility that you have someone new in your life. I didn’t want to lose it._ I slowly walked towards him. I could feel that I had not completely sobered up yet, I still can feel the buzz and haze coating my mind. Weirdly enough somehow it even made me very cautious.

I didn’t know what else to say, but I thought it would be a good idea if I helped him up on his feet and bid him goodnight. He accepted my offering hand and pulled himself up. He didn’t let go of my hand though. Then just like that, I was face to face with Elio. His breath was hot against my skin. “You’re really here” he whispered again, looking at my arm that he still held on to then shook his head slowly in disbelief.

I wanted, oh God I wanted to touch his face. I wanted to look into those eyes and make him understand. I wanted to be on my knees and beg him for forgiveness. I closed my eyes, suppressing my emotions and my desire to just give into him. I inhaled some air because it started to feel like I couldn’t breathe properly. _Don’t fuck up, Oliver._ I tried to find my self-control in any cell of my body. When I opened my eyes I didn’t realize that we were so close, he was looking up at me and I towered over his small delicate body. I put my arm on the door frame just above his head then leaned my forehead on it. I needed a moment, just to think this through but god forbid if I had to pull away from him now. I didn’t think I could take it.

“Do you really still remember……. Elio?”

He said it so quietly as if it was a rhetorical question. As if he was asking himself. I could feel each word was full of his doubt on me. On us. But unlike his trembling voice, his eyes which were merely a few inches below me looked me straight in the eye. They were looking for truth. It pained me that he thought I would forget like he didn’t mean the world to me. Somehow at that moment, I realized the warmth of his hand was still gripping my arm. _I shouldn’t. It’s not fair for him._ A minute more of his skin on mine, I didn’t think I could stop myself from touching him. I softly pulled my arm away from his grip. My slight movement broke the spell. You could easily read Elio's face and it was as if a bucket of ice water dumped over his head, it completely brought Elio to reality. The reality which he saw me as Oliver in the present. Oliver who hurt him. Oliver the monster.

“I-I’m sorry” He winced, his face was a mix of confusion and pain.

His hand flew to his face, covering whatever emotions that was displayed. “Of course.. of course, you moron” he mumbled to himself. He was panting loudly, I watched him swallow tears that were bound to form. That reminded me of myself the moment after I hung up the phone breaking the news to him. Like my body was physically trying to process the pain. I hated that I had this kind of effect on him. He bit the insides of his cheeks maybe to hold every insult he can think of that I undoubtedly deserve. But then a few seconds passed and he just walked away without saying a word.

He looked exhausted. He looked like someone who had just been defeated. His shoulder slumped and he dragged his feet to his door. Something inside me crashed. The pain only intensified as I came to a realization that I couldn’t fix what I had done. It was so visible how much it hurt him. _It kills me_ too _Elio, can’t you see? Please see me through whatever defense and facade I tried to build._

“I do,” I said to him, my voice was stronger than I meant it to be. I inhale deeply, mustering up all the strength that I could. “I do remember everything, Elio”

 

_I remember everything._

_The way you’d mindlessly spin around sometimes when you’re happy._

_The way you’d try to wrestle me and your laugh when I tickle you._

_The way you’d play with the star of David with your tongue._

_The way you’d part your mouth when you’re in lust._

_Every line and curve of your body that I memorized while you’re asleep._

_The sound of your voice in the morning._

_Every touch. Every kiss. Every word._

 

As much as it hurt to live with these memories, knowing that I would never get to experience it again, I would never try to forget.

He was already on the front of his door. His hand hanging on the handle but his head turned to face me. I gave nothing away. I stared at him back. _I wished you knew, Elio. I wanted more than anything to be selfish. I wanted you all for myself. I wanted you to forgive me. I wanted everything that makes you happy. I wanted the best for you._ But also I realized a long time ago I didn’t know what was good for Elio. I didn’t know if I was good for Elio. He was better than me, much better.

A moment before he spoke, his stare fell to the ground and his lips twisted to one side, contemplating what he was about to say carefully.

“Are you happy?”

He looked up at me again. His gaze was intense, watching every micro-expression that I displayed. I didn’t want to use my word. I didn’t have any words for this. If I could I would fall apart in front of him, then he would know that happy was not a term that was familiar for me to describe the past five years. If only I had the ability to let myself be open for all to see, if only my default reaction when my inside felt like it would combust with emotions was not to put on a mask of nonchalance to cover it up then Elio, you would see how broken I was. Unfortunately, it was a mechanical defense that my upbringing taught me all my life and all you see was the confident, nothing-fazes-him version of Oliver.

I still didn’t speak. I didn’t trust myself to open my mouth, instead, I showed my confusion, as if I was still brewing for an answer when it was all crystal clear. _How could I be happy without you Elio?_ My hands went to my forehead, massaging the sides where the sudden feeling of being hammered from inside my head suddenly surfaced. I wished I had ignored him and gone to the bedroom straight away. I exhaled, should I lie? my natural reaction was to clench my jaw. I didn’t want to lie.

His facial expression hardened. “Tell me, Oliver. Are you happy? with her?”

This time I was a surprised how his voice was loud and clear. I could feel the trace of anger concealed in now his calm demeanor. I wanted to blurt out the truth. _But what good would it do?_

I shrugged slowly in defeat. Like the fucking French, I’d rather die than speak. “I’m sorry, Elio” That was the plain truth. I was. I did not know what else to say but to tell him that I was sorry for everything.

He nodded a few times in reply to my answer but I could see that it was not from a place of understanding. He nodded bitterly as if he had drawn a conclusion which was probably a wrong one. His jaw tightened, his gaze was like a dagger to me.

“Are you?”

And this time he didn’t wait for my answer. He opened the door and slammed it close when he was already inside. I eventually walked into my room.

I thought I knew what real pain felt like. I thought the worst pain was to live a life full of lie. I thought my hell on earth was to pretend to have a perfectly normal life according to societal expectations. But to see Elio right before my eyes, visibly so hurt as the consequences to what I have done? I wished there was an emotional anesthesia because I didn’t know how to deal with this. I didn’t how I could live with this but I knew I will have to.

I threw myself to the bed, which used to be our bed. Where I would study him as if he was my favorite subject in the whole world. I curled to the side and facing the connecting door, the only thing that became the barrier between us. I imagined like I had several times that summer too, I would go knock on this door. I would go kneel beside his bed and kiss his feet just like I did to soothe his pain years ago. Then I would kiss his face, I would kiss him all over.

_Oliver._

_Oliver. Oliver. Oliver._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Just want to say thank you and how much I appreciate you for reading the story! Also for those who leave kudos and comments!! I love seeing what you think of this. Have a great day everyone <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oliver revealed something to Elio!

The next morning, I woke up early and made my way downstairs. I hoped to find Professor Perlman before Elio woke up or before we all gathered for breakfast. He was in his study room, the door was open but I knocked anyway.

“Morning, Pro”

“Ah, Oliver. Good morning, come on in” I walked into the room and seat myself in front of him. He stopped writing his letter and put down his pen, He smiled at me giving me his full attention.

“Last night, what a pleasant surprise, huh?” he said, still smiling. He was testing the water, trying to assess how I felt about it.

I laughed nervously, I couldn’t meet his eyes so I just looked at the table. “Yeah, it’s so good to see Elio again” I nodded a few times trying to convince him.

“Have you guys had a chance to talk at all?”

“Yeah… yeah, last night briefly. He must have been tired though so I didn’t keep him for too long” I answered, insouciantly sum up what happened last night. But once again, he saw right through me like he always did. He didn’t reply to my comment. The silent made move my gaze from the table to Professor Perlman who looked at me with such sympathy “He will understand. Eventually”

I hope so, I thought. Even though it would take him to hate me first to make him understand.

I cleared my throat, trying to shift the mood back to normal again, less emotional “By the way, I came here to let you know,” I consciously sat back on the seat, reminding myself to look more relaxed and bring the matter of my departure as casual as possible. “Since I am in Italy, I thought I should travel around, see all other regions in the winter. You know forget about the books and stuff”

“Oh, you’re leaving?” Professor titled his head to the side, he looked a bit surprised.

“I mean Elio is here and all so I am not needed as a substitute kid anymore, Pro” I joked and he laughed softly in response while shaking his head “But yeah I think it will be better” I paused. “Just so I can check out a few places I haven’t been to and you know not to intrude your family time”

“Oliver, you are family. You’re not intruding. I would love for you to stay but if you have made up your mind then… sure, I’ll take you to the train station or the airport myself” I nodded some more, then heaved a big sigh. _This is it. I’m leaving everything behind again. Leaving Elio for the second time._ Look what I had gotten myself into. It was like I was being tortured to live my worst nightmare over and over again.

“Thank you Professor, for everything.” I meant it.

“But if you don’t mind, I mean, feel free to say no if you absolutely can’t, could you maybe wait a few days? My dear friend Giulia who’s a professor in Rome is so interested in your book and wishes to meet you to discuss a few things. I told her she could come over and meet you while you are here”

“Yes, of course, Pro. I can wait a few days” I said without thinking. It might not be ideal as I would have to figure out ways to avoid Elio just like that summer. But I would not say no to anything Professor Perlman asked, it was the least I could do. “Alright then, I’ll see you in a bit for breakfast?” He said while reaching for his pen again as I stood up from my seat. “Oh and by the way, please call me Sammy from now on” I laughed “Alright, Later Sammy” I pointed to him and smiled as I walked out of the room.

I tried to read a book that I randomly found in the living room to pass the time before breakfast. I had read the same line for a few times as my mind couldn’t seem to focus to understand the sentences. I kept thinking about last night and the nervousness of seeing Elio again this morning. I couldn’t really go biking to the berm or to swim in the pool to hide from him, so I guess we were trapped in this house.

Finally, there was a sound of a bell clanging from the kitchen, announcing that breakfast was ready. I waited a few moments before making my way to the dining room. I wanted to give Elio time to get there first, avoiding bumping into each other. The effort was a waste because when I passed by the stairs, his steps stopped abruptly at the sight of me, just like my heart did for a second when I looked at him. I tried to be casual, gave him a nod for a greeting and just kept on walking. I could hear him followed not long after.

Annella was already there and I took the seat beside her, she was still reading her book when she said good morning to me and a few seconds later again to Elio who sat in front of me. He already helped himself to the foods on the table when his father came. “So, I just phoned Giulia and she said maybe she would come over on Thursday, so maybe you can plan to leave for your trip on the weekend?” That was still five days from now. I nodded in agreement “Sounds good to me”

“You’re leaving, Oliver?” Annella asked as she was sipping her coffee, looking at me with a look of concern. It was Annella's question but I could feel Elio’s stare was burning my face. He was waiting for my answer. I turned to the woman beside me. “Oh, yeah about that, I wanted to travel around for a bit, see all of Italy in the winter. But I might go back here before I leave back home”

Elio scoffed then mumbled to himself, “Still haven’t changed after all” It was not loud but we all could hear him. His father cleared his throat to gain his attention and when Elio looked at him, Professor Perlman gave him a disapproving look.

Annella reached for my arm “Please come back at least to celebrate the Hanukkah with us” she requested. I couldn’t promise her anything so I just nodded to the idea.

We went back to small talks, mostly Elio and his parents about his auditions and upcoming concert for him. He said he was going to stay until January and prepare the piece for his concert here. I just went along and only answered when Pro asked me about my college and teaching experiences.

We were all almost done with breakfast, I was savoring my hot espresso when I noticed that no one was talking and Elio was silently staring at me. Now I could tell that he was different. It might be that my presence last night brought the 17 year old Elio back but the man in front of me was not that version of Elio anymore. He grew up as he was supposed to. His jaws and cheekbones were stronger which made his face resembled a Greek God even more than I remembered. Like one of those perfectly chiseled statues that radiated beauty and elegance. But still, I could see my Elio from that summer, there was a vestige of innocence and pureness that formed this angelic creature who just now opened his mouth to speak.

“So, Oliver” If I didn’t play poker for years i would have choked on my coffee in surprise of him actually addressing me. I put down my coffee carefully unlike Annella and Sammy who paid attention to their extremely handsome son without putting whatever they were reading away.

“What’s the name of your wife again? Why is she not here?” He said like it was just another part of a small talk. 

I had never taken Elio as a person who liked to have a confrontation in public and his question stunned me. I turned my head to the side, still contemplating the best ways to explain it to him. I didn’t know where to start or even if it was a good idea at all to bring it up, especially here in front of everyone.

“Elio,” Professor Perlman said before I could answer. there was a warning in his tone.

“What, papa?”

Sammy shook his head no, forbidding Elio to press me for an answer. 

“Now I can’t ask my friend about his life?” emphasizing on the word ‘friends’ making sure that I know he was mocking the word. He still acted cool, his tone was kind of passive even.

“Enough,” He said lightly, almost like singing. He did not even look at Elio this time.

Elio shrugged then fidget with the spoon between his fingers but his eyes never leave my face. “I just wanted to know why he is spending his time with us while he has a perfect life back home”

“Elio, Ça suffit” This time Annella was the one who tried to reprimand him with her gentle yet stern tone. She put down her book and raised her eyebrows to him. 

I faced him, without giving him a chance to react to his mother's rebuke. I looked him straight in the eye and I stated calmly, “I’m not married"

He stopped his movements with the spoon, it fell to the table with a loud sound. His eyes grew wide at the fact that I just said. Certainly was not the answer he expected to hear. 

After the initial shock had passed and he really processed those words, he looked at me incredulously. He looked at me like I had just told him the worst joke he ever heard. He let out a bitter laugh when he questioned me again, “What do you mean you’re not married? You got divorced?”

“No. I was never…. the engagement. I broke it off” I swallowed hard but I couldn't look away from him.

He looked away, biting his lips, taking in my explanation. Then mirroring my calm voice, he asked again “How long? I mean like since when?” he brought his right hand to his throat then curled it inwards and rub his chin with the back of his hand. I remembered the last time he did that, it ws his gesture for comforting himself, just like he did at the train station.

I cleared my throat then rest my back on the chair, hoping I would just fell off it then be swallowed by a black hole. I distanced myself away because he was not going to like my answer.

“Two years”

As soon as I said it, I saw it in his eyes. His face did not move much but it did not need to because his eyes showed everything. I could almost hear him screaming ‘why’ in his head but he didn’t voice it out. Instead he stared at the table and bit the inside of his cheek. The silent was killing me but I did not dare to speak a word. I wish there was only Elio and me in there because then he could just be angry, he could freely scream it all out and even hit me. I wouldn’t fight back. It would be better than seeing him suffer in silence.

“Did you all know?” his voice broke.

It was a question for his parents. He looked up to both Annella and Sammy. He did not need their words, he knew that they all knew. had always known. Elio stood up and fled the dining room. We could hear his steps going up the stairs and just a few moments later followed by the thundering sound of the door slammed shut.

Annella touched my hand in a supporting manner, when I turned to her there was a motherly compassion in her expression. “I’m going to talk to him,” I said excusing myself. Professor Perlman smiled and nodded giving me a silent encouragement. I went up to my room then walked straight to connecting door to his room. I didn’t bother to knock and the sound of me opening the door didn’t seem to faze him either.

He was facing the big french window watching the snow fell. “Elio” I called.

He stood still. I could see his hands curled into fists. “What do you want?”

_I want you._

“It’s not their fault,” I said, explaining the answer for the last question he asked.

I remembered telling Professor Perlman everything, I remembered telling him not to tell Elio because it wouldn’t change anything. I figured three years had passed, why would my decision change anything? Why should he know about a detail that he wouldn’t care about anyway? It would probably just ruin his day, he was probably living his life happily and I didn’t want to remind him of the bad taste I left in his mouth.

“I know” he replied still with icy cold tone.

“I just didn’t think it would matter-“ His head turned to me with such a force, startling me.

“Wouldn't matter?" He raised his voice slightly then shook his head, he turned his body around completely now,

the next words were expressed in the most sardonic way. "of course because I didn’t mind, right?”

“You never said you did”

“What do you expect me to say Oliver? I do mind? Leave everything and be with me?”

_Yes._

I had no come back for that. I rubbed my nose. The air around us was getting thick, it was hard to breathe.

He sighed and closed his arms in front of him “Why are you here?”

I shook my head, running my hand through my hair. “It’s not what you think…”

I didn't come here to change his mind about me. If I was lucky, I would be forgiven but I didn't expect anything from him. I didn't deserve to expect anything from him. 

His back was facing me now, he looked outside of the window again “Right” He cut me off again before I finish my sentence, “You just don’t want me” That thought came from a place of sorrow. Something that he told himself over and over again until one day he truly believed it. 

What was left of my heart broke instantly. The thought of him feeling unwanted because of me was truly devastating to me. Then I just looked at him, trying to process how he could ever come to that conclusion. I couldn’t believe he actually thought I didn’t want him. Out of all the reasons he could think of on why I did what I did, he actually thought that was a possibility? I wanted him to think it was because I was a coward, or because I was an asshole or just clinically insane for leaving him but not… never because I did not want him.

“You never really did, did you?” He added.

It was madness. _Did he not remember the way we kissed in Bergamo? the way I worship his body with kisses when we got back to our room? how could he - how dare he say I never wanted him. Have I not expressed so much neediness and want for him each time we made love?_ I was just slightly angry even betrayed that he would assume such a thing. I knew I had no right to be but it was just ridiculous for him to think that.

I walked closer to him until I was just right behind him. His body tensed up as he sensed the closeness of our body.

“Elio” I breathe out his name. “Turn around” I ordered.

He obeyed, slowly facing me. I could see the redness spreading on his cheeks, shyness overtook him. He was looking at our feet, I brought his face to look at me. Our eyes met and I forgot everything else around me, I let myself unravel, hoping he could see my craving for him my eyes. I wanted him in every possible way somebody could ever want someone.

Once again his gaze fell and suddenly I felt his hand grip the side of my hip, his skin on mine. His hand slickly got under my sweater and now his thumb was mindlessly caressing me. I gasped due to the realization of this causing something to jolt alive inside of me. I could feel myself shiver and I think he noticed it too. There was a subtle smirk formed on his face as he was looking at where his hand was, knowing the effect of his touch on me.

I couldn’t help myself, I leaned into his curls breathing his scent. It was real. I was not dreaming. I was there with him and anything else, all the reasons, apologies, regrets, tears and anger couldn’t touch us. He leaned back and tilted his head, exposing his neck.

This was heaven. I ran the tips of my nose along his temple, when I traced his cheekbone I begged, “Take back what you said”

He only answered with a suppressed moan as my lips just ever so lightly grazed the skin of his neck.

I stopped when my lips were just about to reach his shoulder. There were a few knocks on the door. The whole thing was so intense and intimate that we did not hear footsteps approaching the room.

“Elio?” a girl’s voice called. We pulled away, his brows furrowed slightly “es-tu là?” she was asking if he was there.

Then something clicked. Marzia.

“Marzia?” Elio questioned while looking at the door, more like in surprise rather than not recognizing her.

I put my forehead on his shoulder with a big sigh. Good timing, always.

“Oui, c’est moi!” she confirmed.

I could feel him frustratedly running his hand through his hair then he shouted to tell her to wait for a minute. I pulled away from his body completely then I ran both my hands to his shoulder then down to tug on his shirt, fixing the wrinkles I may had caused. Then I smiled to him almost forlornly. He smiled back as if to say sorry then I walked back to my room.

I turned around and caught a glance of him as I reach to close the door, he was at the front of his door, tidying himself up and uncomfortably adjusting his jeans. I smirked proudly to myself. _I do that. still have that effect on him._

I could hear them cheering in the excitement of meeting each other. I was happy for them both.

Had Marzia not been there I didn't know if I could stop myself from doing much further than what we did. Not because I did not want to but we needed to talk. I wouldn't repeat the same mistake again. _Next time, I would make sure that we talk._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! just want to say thank you for all the comments and support in continuing this story! Hope you enjoy this one!!
> 
> p.s: btw I don't speak french so if the french is weird, I apologize blame it all on google translate LOL


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The much-needed conversation between Elio and Oliver.

The day went on slowly. Each passing hour was like a torment. It was funny how I felt like I should have just kept my mouth shut and now I just wanted to find him and bleed it all out, vomit all the words to him. Lunchtime had passed but Elio was nowhere to be found. Both Elio and Marzia left shortly after their quick reunion in his room.

I had once again mindlessly reached for a random book that lied on the table in the living room before making my way upstairs to the attic. I concentrated on the book but my mind failed numerous time to process the words into comprehensible sentences. Elio had now taken a permanent residence in my head and I couldn’t kick him out even if I wanted to but then again I never wanted to.

I was sitting on the uncovered mattress, I smiled as the memory of what happened registered in my head.

I had just come back from town after running some errands related to my book. I was ecstatic as earlier that day even though his reaction when he woke up that morning was unexpected and even hurtful for me, two other occurrences after that proved to me that he was in fact still sexually attracted to me and he still wanted to be with me. I came home as soon as I could then proceeding to go looking for him but I couldn't find him. Not in our room, not by the pool, I had thought maybe he was out but I saw his bike in the backyard. So I went on a mission to search for him all over the house and when I went up to the attic, a place that I had found one of the first weeks when I got there and there he was.

His expression was docile, lips parted and eyes closed. He was laying on his back with his arms on his sides. His hands rested lightly on top the edge of his shorts. He was like an angel. The lights shun on the cream of his skin. My heart felt so big inside my ribs. I had never seen a sight so breathtaking. No any form of art can compete with this, with him. I stopped at the front of the open door and smiled. This was the same person who earlier had biked all the way to town and said he just wanted to be with me. _You’re a lucky bastard, Oliver._ I walked closer and kneeled beside him. I couldn’t kiss him out there but now that I could, I did.

I kissed his body. He tasted heavenly like a mix of summer, sweat, and sweetness. I kissed my way down from his chest and to his cock. I unbuttoned his short and he woke up as I engulfed him in my mouth. I noticed something, I could taste a _strong_ flavor of peach. I pulled away and looked at him curiously before going back down again and twirled my tongue around his member and felt the stickiness on him. Huh. Interesting. He was exploring. What could I say? his curiosity was enticing. I looked at him with such an amazement and humor. He said, “ I’m sick, aren’t I?”

I looked at the peach in my hand. It was still glossy with his cum. “I wish everyone is as sick as you” In that world, where sick was acceptable and normal. So we could all be sick together, therefore, being with you would not be something sick. It would just be normal. It would just be natural. As normal and natural it felt to me in either world.

I wanted to taste him. It was part of him, his DNA, everything that made Elio and I wanted to carry it with me. I wanted it to latch on my organs and vessels. I wanted it inside my blood, circulating around, as long as I live. I wanted him to be part of me. I put my finger to my mouth after I dipped it and that was when he started trying to take the fruit away from me. There was a palpable sense of embarrassment and shame when he cried “Why are you doing this to me?” He couldn't understand that I wanted to him to see that I want something of his in me, making it more mine than his. I told him to not fight me.

The way he reacted next caught me off guard, he reached for me and sobbed into my skin. I put down the fruit to the table beside the mattress. I could feel his tears against my side and his audible cry torn my heart. I held him because I knew that was all he needed. I put my hand at the back of his neck and he pulled himself up to my shoulder. He shook his head and rubbed his face with his hands then muttered sorry to me. “It’s okay” I whispered to him. I grabbed his head gently, placing his face between my hands. I repeated my words to him, connecting his eyes to mine. I looked at him with an understanding because whatever Elio felt, I felt it too. We did not any need words to be said. He kissed my palm in gratitude and I kissed the top of his head in compassion. Then I continued to kiss both of his eyes, his cheeks and all over his face before our lips met. There were so many feelings that I couldn’t convey into words about that kiss. That was it. It felt like we surrendered to each other and to fate wherever it brought us.

“Whatever happens between us, Elio, I just want you to know. Don’t ever say you didn’t know.” I said as he laid his head on my bare shoulder. He reached my skin for him to kiss and once again his hand sneaked into my back, hugging me. “I don’t want you to go,” he said with such child-like sadness, I could feel tears prickled his eyes again.

I let out a long sigh. Elio.. you know, right? why do you doubt so much?

Suddenly I felt a wave of fatigue washed over me. I didn’t realize I had fallen asleep but when I woke up it was almost dinner time. I went down and showered. I checked to see if Elio was in his room but he was not. I found out he had not yet returned since this morning and we had dinner without him.

I started to wonder where he was and what he was doing. Anxiety and I were never a good match. It made me want to do a crazy thing like started to go around town looking for him. So before I did anything stupid, I went to Professor Perlman’s study room and had a brief discussion about my upcoming book.

The night was getting later but there was no sign of Elio. It started to drive me crazy. I went to sit down in front of the fireplace in the dining room. I watched the woods got burned by the fire bringing the warmth to my skin. The crackling sound that it made somewhat calmed me.

He was with Marzia. _Maybe they are..._ Ah, Marzia. Poor Marzia. I knew they were involved in some ways, he cared about her and she loved him, it was obvious. I knew that they were… lovers, probably at the same time as Elio and I happened. I had not been bothered by it too much, I knew that his feelings were much stronger for me than for her. Elio never seemed to hide anything when it came to her, he never talked about her either but I just knew. The way I saw it was that he separated the feelings between theirs and ours like a completely different thing. I mean, of course, there was a bit of jealousy on my part but again I reminded myself he was so young, he was figuring things out and he was experiencing and exploring. It was only natural. It was how it was supposed to be and I was not going to take that away from him.

It was almost twelve when I heard the front door opened then closed. He wouldn’t find me here, I thought. So I was just there hugging my knees in front of the fire. Maybe he was too tired to talk, it would be very inconsiderate of me. I planned to wait for a little bit before coming up, preferably a while after he was asleep so I couldn’t change my mind.

“Shit, Oliver! You scared me” Suddenly Elio said in horror. I turned my head to see him, his hand on his chest and he was shaking his head.

“What are you doing here?” he asked as he grabbed a glass and pour the water from the bottle into it.

I shrugged, my heart was pounding is fast. “Can’t sleep”

“Hmm,” He hummed as he finished drinking the glass.

He slowly walked closer to me then lowered himself to sit beside me. He mirrored the way I sat, he placed his knees close his chest.

“Funny you’re here…” he said. I looked at him in response, raising my brow, inquiring more explanation

“The moment after we hung up on…. that call, I sat here and just cried about us. It was like a movie, our summer flashed before my eyes” He said, his voice was soft and he smiled at me. I winced, imagining Elio doing that.

“I’m sorry,” I said softly, hoping he knew how much I meant it.

“I know. Me too.”

"I didn't mean to hurt you. In any way."

"Oliver, I know. It's okay" this time he was not being sarcastic or vicious. I could tell that he really meant it. He continued "I was just mad. I was mad because… it hurt, so much"

"Yeah, you have every right to be"

He let out a little laugh "Yeah sometimes I feel like I have every right to be"

Then there was a silent again. I swallowed, _just speak Oliver._

"I had to though Elio, I had to leave you"

“Did you love her?” I stared into the fire, I knew that he did too.

“In a way. I cared a lot about her but I was never... in love with her”

“So why did you….” He hesitated.

“Ask her to marry me?” I sighed. I hugged my knees tighter. “I don’t know… seemed to be the right thing to do at the time. I had no other choice, my family has been pestering me about it, they really liked her and she has thrown so many hints and I blatantly ignored them all for a long time.”

I could see at the corner of my eyes that he nodded a few times. He didn’t reply to what I had said right away, it was as if he was trying to let that sink in for a bit, carefully thinking about his own reaction. His fingers were fidgeting, he moved his legs to cross them. Then somewhat nervously, he cleared his throat.

“Was not I a choice?” He quietly said.

His face turned to me now. I turned to face him, “Elio… no” I said honestly.

He quickly looked away, hiding his feelings. Then I realized what he had said earlier this morning. “No, no not because… it’s not what you think” I put my hand on his lap, trying to bring his attention back to me. He didn’t shake my touch away, he looked at it and there was a small smile formed on his lips.

“Then why?”

“You were seventeen, Elio” he lifted up his gaze and rolled his eyes upon hearing my answer. I was obviously not done but he replied right away, "Really? It was about my age? because I was too immature for you?" He didn't raise his voice but he was obviously annoyed.

Now I was the one who wanted to roll my eyes at him. But I didn’t and continued calmly “It was not about immaturity, you were wise beyond your years and smart and amazing, well at least most of the time" I tried to lighten up the mood. Didn’t quite work though. He wanted more from my answer.

I inhale a deep long breath and let it out before answering.

"I told you that morning, it was not fun and games for me as it was for you. And it should have been for you. I totally understand. You were basically a teenager but I woke up that morning, realizing it all meant so much more to me. You meant so much to me" His expression softened now. He gently put his palm on my hand that laid on his lap. I felt the warmth of his hand on mine. I decided to turn my hand over and entwined our fingers. I could hear a barely audible whimper as I did it.

“I rethink it over and over again, as you were sleeping in my arms that morning.” I ran my thumb in a circle on his skin.

“Thinking of the life I could have with you. Imagining the world where you and I could be who we are and together.” I smiled at him and he was smiling too, maybe the thought had also occurred to him. I held his hand tighter, “But also I came to a realization that, that kind of world doesn’t exist right now. Then I just went on and thought about all my fears and consequences that might happen”

“It would be so selfish of me to want to be with you and be committed to you then ask you to do the same. Hell, I probably did not even have to ask, you would be so willingly. Then we would be together and the relationship would deprive you of your own youth. I have lived through it, you have not. I would just be a hindrance in the way you experience the world. At the end of the day, you'd get bored of me or realizing that you didn’t want me anymore and you'd resent me for the rest of your life“

“It’s just not something you do at seventeen and I just wanted you to live your life to the fullest. You need to experience your life and make several mistakes on your own. Without the complications or malice that the world will impose on that kind of relationship”

His forehead leaned on my shoulder. For a while, he stayed there and none of us said a word. He wiped his face on the fabric on my arms, I could feel a dampness. _Is he crying?_ I laid my head on top of his, burying my face on his curls in order to comfort him, to let him know that I was there, in this too. His hair smelled so good, musky and florally. Then I felt his lips gave the softest kiss on my shoulder, I still was not sure but if I didn’t imagine it then in the lowest voice to the point that it was almost inaudible he whispered thank you.

“I’ve missed you, Oliver.” After a while staying like that he told me with his crystal clear voice.

I placed my hand on his jaw, lifting his face to me. “I’ve missed you too, so much”

If you only knew Elio. My Lips traveled to his right eye, pressing my lips to the delicate lid, then I did the same thing to the other eye. Those beautiful eyes I loved so much, who had been haunting me for years. Which were wide open staring back at me every time I closed my eyes. I pressed my forehead to his, our noses barely touching.

There were no words that could depict what I felt that moment. We were two beings beyond any labels and beyond the shape of our bodies. His presence at that moment healed me, closing the gaping wound that seemed to get worse by the time I was not with him. His touch concealed all the scars that people had inflicted and those that were my own doing. Everything of my past and Everything that I was were visible for him to see. I saw him looking at me, I couldn’t believe how he looked at me like I was good for him. He made me wanted to forget all that I had been told about how my life supposed to play out and just be with him. _I am so tired, Elio. So tired of fighting it._

Elio smiled, just like he did in the memory that I had captured in my head that night on our bed. So beautiful and sublime as the light of the fire illuminated his face in the dark. I found the part of myself that I had been living without for the last five years. I was whole again.


End file.
